Ever felt as though you should be picking someone up from the ground and darping their almost lifeless body in your strong, metaphorical embrace? I feel this way constantly.Yet; I get wrapped up in my own head and my own thoughts.Some things will go unnoticed and later on I nearly regret that I neglected to aid it. I know a thing or two about one person or another and they'll look up to me as if I have some grand words of wisdom that will paint their grey skies blue. I can only gaze upon them in disbelief because I need my blue skies too. I have a slight idea of how to help others, I feel the pain; every emotion of others and I want to fix it. I never dive directly into a situation because of what one has told me. I evaluate the possible outcome and affect and strategically maneuvor, verbally, so that I can reverbirate the way I wish to. Maybe in secret it changes them positively, but only a select few elect to tell me so...every blue moon.At times I find myself flapping my hands above my head and shouting that I need my own time for thinking, just to remember it is not even about me in the least. My life is not my own, you see. None of ours is, and that alone is both frustrating and awe-inspring. I don't force my beliefs on others nor do I throw scrpitures at them to make them feel like less of a person. I can't preach to someone about what is Godly when I know I'm going to sin the very next day/ They say God is forgiving, but does that give us the right to sin anyhow and each time ask for gorgiveness anyway? That just does not seem right. Should we not do that which is shunned in the first place? Becauseif each time we sin and just ask for forgiveness, we play a game of cat and mouse. It's almost like a slap in God's face saying " well you say ot to but I will anyhow and you'll get over it." So my thing is that I know I am a sinner and I know I will do it again, so I don't pretend to sit well with God and pray to him everyday, because I don't. I am ashamed to call myself christian because of my actions and doubts as a whole. I speak to a divine entity that I believe dwells somewhere over head, or is he just there in our consciousness eternally? I can't quote the bible to impress others because I'd just be skating around it to use what will only benefit me at that moment. I've had quite a few people do that to me and they know they look silly doing so because I know just as they do that their cheating their faith.
I've nothing to complain about.It almost seems like I am looking for something to fuss about,just to add a bit of color to my otherwise calm life.I'm glad for it though,Lord knows I've been through enough chaos and constant "back and forths" that this calm is like a slice of Heaven.What am I getting at?You're probably asking.Shoot I don't know.It's just too quiet,but I don't want to call up my late night buddy and do anything tonight.It's not like I could since I'm on my monthly.We're cool and he always tries to remind me but I just tend to stay to myself and tonight I don't want to be alone.I want to light a blunt and hang out with my "buddy" while we flick ashes on unexpected persons' heads from his patio.
My mood: very calm
To face the future unafraid is a silly statement.To face fear unashamed is a great feat.How does one cope with a suddenly changed perspective;vision? It may seem "cliche" or "impossible" for some women,but for me;I am very detatched emotionally. I've always thought of myself as a walking and talking contradiction which was how my former lover saw me.Ha,former.The word rolls off of my tongue unnoticed.It has no flavor or texture.With all my heart I long for him to be my current love.The one beside me,always,but I'm not feeling anything.See how I contradict myself? But he is not here anymore because I told him I wanted him to be gone;for good.I didn't really mean it and meant every word.He was my first of many almost all. He was the one that I allowed in. I dove right in and he was there every step of the way.I didn't need convincing,I hadn't the slightest hesitation within myself. I was falling for this man and my emotions led me;my heart let me.It's funny truly being that I am comsidered so very detatched yet my attachment to him was not easily severed.
I cry out for him in every possible way:mentally,sexually,emotionally,etc. Yet I'm moving further and further away.I am miserable but I can no longer feel a thing.My lover was never unfaithful,untrustworthy,abusive in anyway or detatched.We were imperfectly perfect though.Whenever we'd reconnect it was as if we were never apart.What we did wrong was "rush." We figured that if we got the easy stuff out the way like our own lives,meaning that we quickly tried to figure out how to fit the other in so that there would be nothing but time left for us to be in each others arms until we took our last breaths;we feared that there was never enough time to do it slowly and watch the sunrise.We always loved hard and deeply. Is that not what humans search for daily?Wouldn't people envy a love like ours??Everything we did,we did it to better ourselves so that we could have an amazing future together.Then anger would creep in and venom dripped from our words and the burn would be intoxicating. We love each other so much that we burned the bridge that held us together and now we are no more.
My mood: a bit contemplative
Previous PostsDepth In Thought, posted November 16th, 2012
The Loudest Silence, posted August 3rd, 2012
Contradicting A Conflicting Conviction., posted August 3rd, 2012
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